Helpless

In my mind today, I have so many sad thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to leave my bed. I am trying desperately to outrun ALS, but I am in another valley. There seems to be no more outs to pull me through this. I know it’s different this time because I NEVER want to stay in bed. The first ray of morning light usually I am worrying my precious daughter to please remove my breathing mask, sit me up, and bring on the coffee. Get me in my wheelchair, I have things to do and people to help. Today I am melting into the alternating pressure mattress letting it twitch and move my immobile body. The sad part is that my scoot, wheelchair, doesn’t beckon to me anymore. It’s betraying me. It is uncomfortable and makes me a constant weight to everyone around me. “ Could you please move my arm? Can you please pull my hand up to the joystick, not there but place my palm on top of it? Don’t forget to center it. Hey, can you push this button, no the other one, almost the one by my thumb. Thanks. “ Fifteen minutes later, repeat. The scoot was my independence and freedom to get the scrig (Salese for other colorful adjectives) out of here and roll out with my peeps and pets. I look at it now with mourning, longing eyes. Chameleons have nothing on us PALS, people with ALS. Over the duration of survival we adapt sometimes daily. The adaptation that I need is working in my mind, but my spirit is weakening. I lay here in bliss not having to request constantly for help of some kind in my trusty, ol’ bed and writing to you with my eyes. I am tired and find myself wondering, “ Just how long can I live like this flat on my back? How can I serve others and give them hope to finish this earthly race strong? God, please help me out with my next mission. Will I need to drive the scoot? Please send me answers. Love, Your faithful servant, Sal the ALS Gal. “

Let me fill you in on the last four months. I sold the house, gave or sold almost everything, moved to a wonderful handicapped apartment, my daughter and son-in-law became blessed with a pregnancy, my son and daughter-in-law meanwhile are preparing to welcome a baby boy at the end of August, and we circle the wagons; we move again. Everything fell into place. We found an apartment close to each other and by the hospital where the Grands will make their debut four months apart. My son-in-law was able to transfer with a promotion. Hospice has been amazing and based here. My awesome nurse is 8 minutes and always on call for us. God has and is carrying me in this storm the world calls ALS. “ God my heavenly Father forgive me for this pity party. I know that I am never alone in my strife. I come closer to you each and every day. My race is not finished. Lord, I know you will give me what I need to fulfill your purpose for my life. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Amen. “

I may have lost some of you, but God is the only good and pure and uncorrupted thing we have to guide us on this journey. I am grieving the loss of many things at once: my husband, my home, my hometown, my family, my friends, my church family, and my independence. Through it all, I have reached desperately out to Him like Simon Peter on the stormy waters and I am still keeping my eyes on Him because when my life is finished I will soar to my true home. How can I be so certain? He talks to me. Today it was with scriptures.
Psalm 40: 2, 3, 4, 18
For the director.[b] A psalm of David.

2 [c]I waited patiently for the Lord;
then he stooped down and heard my cry.
3 He raised me up from the desolate pit,
out of the mire of the swamp;
he set my feet upon a rock,
giving me a firm footing.
4 He put a new song[d] in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will look on and be awestruck,
and they will place their trust in the Lord.
18 Even though I am poor and needy,[o]
the Lord keeps me in his thoughts.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Psalm 40:2:
.
The speaker recounts their patient waiting for the Lord and how God inclined to them and heard their cry.
Psalm 40:3:
.
This verse details the nature of God’s deliverance: drawing the speaker up from a “pit of destruction,” out of “muddy clay,” and setting their feet on “rock,” making their steps secure.
Psalm 40:4:
.
The speaker is given a “new song” to sing, a hymn of praise to their God. This new song is a testament to God’s faithfulness and leads to others trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 40:18:
.
The speaker reaffirms their dependence on God, describing themselves as “afflicted and poor,” yet also acknowledging that God keeps them in mind and is their “help and deliverer”.
This was my Psalm reading for today. He let me know I’m not alone in this suffering; He hears me.
This was one of the excerpts for today: Hebrews 12: 1-4
You Have Not Yet Resisted to the Point of Bloodshed. 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,[b] let us throw off everything that weighs us down and the sins that so easily distract us and with perseverance run the race that lies ahead of us, 2 with our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, ignoring its shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 Reflect on how he endured such great hostility from sinners so that you may not grow weary and lose heart. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

More answers. You see how He and His words turn mourning into dancing? Whom or what should I fear on my earthly journey when I am carried by the Creator of all that is good and has the plan for my eternal life? My purpose still stands and it is to share how God is real. He wants me to share my life to bring you Hope. Listen for Him. Read His words. Go find a church and be part of His body. Serve others. Taste and see that God is good. He is the only one who can help you find healing from the world’s sins: pride, lust, sloth, greed, envy, wrath or anger, and gluttony or excess of something until it’s unhealthy. We all struggle with at least one. Turn back towards the Light. I am soldiering on with my cross and will continue to try to inspire you until the last day.

Sarah Anderson Alley
Sal the seeking Eternity Gal

Quote of the Day:
If I say, “I will not mention him
or speak any longer in his name,”
within me I experience a fire burning in my heart
and imprisoned in my bones.
I am weary holding it in,
and I can no longer do so.
The Prophet Jeremiah 20:9