I am happy to report I have been very busy. God is blessing me with more work! I have been reading your messages but I’m crazy busy. I have had many spells, day and night, of crying uncontrollably. I miss my husband so much. I miss my body before ALS. I miss feeling beautiful the way he looked at me and I could see the yearnings for me before we made love. I miss making love earth shaking (fill in the blank hint “When Harry Met Sally” café scene but real.) I miss learning his body and him discovering mine. I miss talking about sports with him. I miss watching Yankees baseball literally every single day during the season. I miss him cheering on our Memphis Tigers and the way he jumped out of your recliner when we made a good play or won a buzzer beater. I miss him helping me face my demons. I miss him being my rudder to my boat full of crazy ideas and dreams. I miss my biggest cheerleader sweetly and stoically supporting me. I miss our cappuccino (and cigarette on the deck, by the pool, or in the garage depending on the season or weather until the COPD and we got smart and quit) time every day after work. I miss listening to music with you. I miss you finding new music artists to follow. I miss our Grammy and Poppy times with the Grands. I miss our texts full of laughter and longing. I miss his humor. I miss the useless trivia that you knew and we all were amazed and loved. I miss how you jokingly cancelled every birthday and Christmas. I miss how you fretted over every card you gave. I miss how you wanted to find the perfect presents for me, especially Birthdays, Our Anniversary, and Christmas. I miss “The shit you were right about” comments and you were right 98.9% of the time, sometimes I was right #chickenbag for example. I miss him telling me that he sees the girl he married. I MISS HIM!
We just learn to walk with it with God helping us. At first we carry it around in our hearts and our chests hurt from the weight. We even guard it because it is all we have left to cling to of our lives together. Then if you’re lucky enough to believe in a Savior, you allow Jesus to carry it. Lastly, He teaches you how to walk with it. Yes. It is your cross. One day you will lay it down and be free to fly in a new spiritual body. Do you reconnect on the other side? I truly believe that you will. You hear about how people on their death bed see angels, Jesus, and people who they love. I believe they escort you into our new season, eternity. Will it be different? I am sure it will be with a spiritual body. So no tears, right? If my soul is not reunited with him there will be tears.
Here’s my evidence: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one.”
I feel that our souls become one when we find a partner of this immense, sacrificial love. We are left on earth incomplete, carrying half a soul. Many interpret the in the eternal life God promises we will not know each other. This is an interpretation just like mine, but who really knows? No one has been to eternity and come back to tell the tale except Jesus. It is so hard to lose your loved ones; the Christmas season is especially hard when the ghosts of Christmases past bring those longing reveries of your “other half” and family bring tears. Rejoice! You have something others never experience in this life. The tears are the jewels of a love well lived.
My Beloved I will wait for you to escort me to eternity and see the Face of God.
SHMILY my Love
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