In my mind today I am thinking about laughter, loyalty, and love. Students, I have been having a dark night of the soul. It is just everywhere I go or turn I feel sadness and grief. I look at the world and I see all of the brokenness. My heart literally aches in my chest. The past few weeks have been so hard. Everywhere I look even within my own home I see the demon of the world trying to tear us apart. I guess students I have taken my eyes off of the cross. I have allowed my heart to be pierced by so much evil. I have allowed it to get into my mind. I hear you mumbling back row thinking she’s really lost it this time. For at least a month I have not been able to sleep well. I wake up and stare at the ceiling. I watch the shadows and I pray. I cannot tell you how many prayers were lifted from my body during this dark season of my soul. I finally realized that I was not putting things at the altar and letting God take them away. I have tried to fix a lot of things instead of allowing God to carry the heavy burdens of my heart. Shame on me. If I could have curled up in the fetal position these last 2 weeks that’s where I would have been. I know that we all have to go. I realized it is just part of the circle. All of the wonderful plans that I try to put in place for God are futile. My husband and my journey will end. Hopefully God will give us more precious time with our families and friends. But no matter how hard I try to help those that I leave behind is futile. During this time I have been surrounded by people but I have felt so lonely. I allowed hopelessness to enter into my heart. The only way I can figure it out or explain it is that I think I have been mourning. I am mourning what was. I am mourning what will come one day without me. My physical separation from my family and friends, especially my grandchildren. Take heart, students. Do not allow the devil to steal your present moments and make you so sad because you are wasting days. Days that could be spent loving and laughing with the ones you love. I have almost driven my family crazy this last month. They have been desperately trying to help me get out of this dark place. Here’s what you need to understand. Students just because I lay all of my burdens at the foot of the cross; they are still there. They are but I am definitely protected from them. God does not take these horrible things away from us, we have to give them to him. We have to let so much go and that is so hard because we want to be fixers of our hearts and souls. We want to fix our broken families. We want to fix our broken brothers and sisters. We want to fix things where our children have no struggles. This is the hardest lesson of all. In my midnight prayers God told me you have to let me have everything. You are a child of God. You do work for me, but let me work for you too. I am so guilty of this. Back row don’t get too comfortable because I am getting back up or back in my chair to finish my race. I know that you will be sad that we still have more lessons to learn. Even the teacher needs lessons sometimes. As I watch the birds from my window every morning it reminds me. Especially this morning as I watched the robins have a party in all the trees eating the berries. They exist because of something bigger. They do not struggle. God provides everything. He does that for us as well if we only let him. Today I do feel all of the pain and suffering of my friends and family but I am using that to guide my prayers. I will be loyal to God. I will immerse myself with His love. I am seeking joy and laughter. I am letting go and letting God. Yes it is homework!
Sarah Anderson Alley
Sal the Troubled Heart Gal
In the moments of desperation God came to me so many times through the hands of my friends. Out of nowhere I received flowers right after I had to say goodbye to a wonderful pet. Our cat of 15 plus years. Thank you Sandy for being God’s handmaiden. I received cookies that are a secret family recipe from my friend. Thank you Carrie for loving me like Christ. I had so many meaningful conversations. They helped me to divide the light from the dark. Thank you Andrea, Father Patrick, Charlotte, Carol, and so many others. Your love and prayers have bolstered me in my weakness.
This post is for all of those out there that continue to love and pray and help others. You are the angels on Earth that God works through.
Quote of the Day:
In the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God. The dark night of the soul is a journey into light, a journey from your darkness into the strength and hidden resources of your soul. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.
One thought on “Sal’s Dark Night”
Pain is craving to have a conservation with a loved one no longer here. Peace is knowing for sure the loved one wants you to have a great life. Hope is knowing we WILL meet again!